P.S. I love you

6 years ago my childhood best friend died by suicide.

That's how I'm supposed to say it. "Died by suicide." It's the correct way to say it. Saying she "commit" suicide implies a crime occurred, implies she did something wrong.

Depression killed my best friend.

That seems more accurate. Depression kills. This is what Depression looks like:

Krystle Rae Todtman - My Name Twin and my foundation

Blonde. Blue eyes. Smiling. Depression is a beautiful lie. Depression lies to us:

• You are worthless.
• You are unlovable.
• You are a burden.

And depression lies to the world:

• Your loved one is okay.
• Your loved one has it all together.
• Your loved one is happy.

For 4 years after depression killed my best friend, I was a broken soul. I spent my waking hours mostly going through the motions of the day. I smiled. I took care of my family. I went to work. But depression had worked its way into my mind and my heart. It took me 4 years of pain, sorrow and tears... all the while reaching out to help others, to finally ask for help myself.

"God - I know I've asked a lot of you. I've asked you to heal Krystle's soul, to surround her with your love and grace... I've asked you to protect her after this life. But God, I need you, too. I can't handle this sadness on my own any longer. Please, please take it. Please."

And I cried. Because, you see, suicide doesn't stop the pain. Suicide magnifies and multiplies the pain. It spreads that pain far and wide to anyone and everyone that knew you. In their grief they question everything they thought to be true. They look suspiciously at everyone around them. "Are they depressed?!" "Is that person feigning happiness?!" It is never the end of pain. Suicide is depression's victory and battle cry.

The day after my desperate prayer was a little better than the one before it. And the next day was a little better. Soon, my tears dried and I felt I could see light and logic for the first time in a long time. And, I know, God had answered the prayer He'd been waiting to hear.

He had been walking beside me in my grief. He was there the whole time, but He was not going to take this time of grief and mourning from me until I was ready to let go of it. And eventually I was ready.

I will never stop missing Krystle. I'm not sure that my heart will ever stop crying out for her this time of year. But I will rest in my faith that God saw her sadness, wrapped her in His love, and said "You are home. And there is no hurting here."

So... with all of our social media fueled good intentions... please, please take it to the next step. Instead of waiting to be reached out to, reach out. Instead of being willing to listing, be willing to talk. Please believe me when I say, you don't want to be in a situation where you're looking back thinking, "I wish I they would have come to me." Depression doesn't reach out. Depression isolates. Be the one to call it out. Be the brave that your loved one needs. Fight for them when they give up. I wish I had.