Our Last Baby

We found out about Skyler on June 5th, 2017 ... so it seems fitting to write this today.

7 years ago we had two kids. Jordan was a little over 2 years old and we had just brought Joey home. I was finally NOT pregnant, and so very happy not to be!

My entire pregnancy I complained and I'm sure I drove Justin to the brink a time or two. This was it! I was NEVER going to be pregnant again! I was firm and so very excited about it!

Except... when we were taking this family picture I remember distinctly feeling in my heart of hearts that we were NOT done.

Call it the Holy Spirit, call it whatever you will... It was almost like someone spoke the words "You're not done" and only I could hear them. I was confused and certain that I was going a little crazy - do epidurals make you hear voices?! Anyway, I moved on... I had a toddler and a newborn and no time to dwell.

Joey turned out to be our "strong willed child". We really felt like we were rocking this parenting thing until we had Joey. A year of not sleeping, constant pint-sized temper tantrums, arguing... we were definitely NOT having any more babies; ominous voice or not!

As time went on and we talked about the decision for Justin to schedule "the appointment" to end our baby adventures, my heart just wasn't in it. I was devastated to think we were done and I kept thinking back to that day in the hospital when I knew our family wasn't complete yet. So we waited... and we battled back and forth - done or not done... and the years passed. And then I FINALLY convinced Justin that our family had room for one more little. Two months later, I was pregnant.

This was it! Our family was going to grow and my heart was bursting! We even had the perfect name already picked out, because we just knew he was a boy; Asher Nicholas Detwiler. The perfect combination of our middles names for the baby we waited so long to have.

I carried our baby for a little over 6 weeks before his heart stopped beating. Around week 8, I went to bed knowing I was miscarrying. Justin and I went to the hospital the next morning and it was confirmed. We would not hold our baby. He would not come home with us in his homecoming outfit. We would not watch him grow and find out his little personality. We would not see him in this lifetime.

And that was that. We were done. No more babies. We would not go through that again; we COULD NOT go through that again. So, why? Why would I have felt so many years before that we weren't done? How could I be so sure and then have this happen? I felt duped. How could this happen?! I had two text book pregnancies; I wasn't supposed to have a miscarriage! In the end... I obviously didn't get a say and we had to make peace with reality, knowing that our little guy wouldn't have a life fighting against whatever took him from us. And life had to move on; we had two kids to care for and they needed us to be strong.

That was in June 2016. In September, I put Joey on the bus with the mindset that he was the last baby I would send off to kindergarten... and that was hard. We would never put our baby Asher on the bus. Never have a first or last with him. Why didn't I cherish Joey's firsts and lasts more?? I was so sure he wasn't our last!

It was about 6 months later - January 2017 - that we decided to start planning our move to Ohio. In June 2017 I found out I was pregnant. Surprise pregnant. Justin's the reason I tested... he was certain I was pregnant. I was certain he was crazy. We were obviously done having kids, how could I possibly be pregnant. Except I was... I so clearly was.

And so... after a panic attack, a lot of reassurance from Justin, and talking to a couple close family members and friends... I was okay. Mostly. Next up... a lot of praying. Until I finally realized that this baby was all part of God's plan... which was taking us to Ohio, which was making me a SAHM, which was getting us to focus more on family than working to pay tons of bills. THIS baby was THE baby. Not saying that God wanted me to miscarry previously, just that... I was following my plan before. I was calling the shots. And God's plan can only occur in God's time. If we would have brought our baby home in 2017, we wouldn't have had Skyler...

Skyler - our Rainbow Baby

Skyler... our perfectly timed little baby. He was a balm to our hearts... due just a year and a week after the baby we didn't get to hold. And he sure made an entrance into the world. I have to admit... during my pregnancy with Skyler, I was still pretty shocked. God and I had a lot of conversations about how I "needed" this pregnancy to go. A lot of me still trying to take control, "Okay, listen God..." I'm sure you can guess how well that didn't go for me. When I was being rushed into the operating room, knowing that I was facing an emergency surgery, knowing that Skyler was hanging in the balance, that conversation changed really quickly! "God, I know you're in control. I know you wouldn't bring us this far just to lose this baby. I love him, God! Please bring both of us out of this room breathing." (Cue all the tears!) I was terrified... but at the same time I knew that this was the baby God gave me. His perfectly timed baby. His baby that he was giving me and I was going to take him home.

I was sedated when Skyler cried for the first time. I didn't get to give him to Justin.

As I'm waking up from anesthesia, but can't really open my eyes.

I was even super groggy for the first 24 hours of his life.

I'm not moody, the anesthesia is still wearing off and I can barely keep my eyes open.

So, this is Skyler's story; over 6 years in the making. Six years of struggle on so many fronts, just for God to give him to us exactly when we needed him. This is the story of our last baby.

And now... I'm easily saying good-bye to the maternity clothes, the baby clothes, the gear, the small diapers. I'm so at peace with him being our last. And it's such a testament to God, because I was very much the opposite after Joey was born. I guess I just knew. I knew that little voice that told me "You're not done" knew something that I didn't. I'm so glad it did! Now I'm soaking up all those "lasts" with a full heart!